I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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