I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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