I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
