im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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