Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
