I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
