I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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