i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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