Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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