So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
