Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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