Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
