I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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