I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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