Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
