I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
