I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Randomize
