she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
