I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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