I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
