I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You pole danced in your parka.
So much rum. So many feels.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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