i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
