After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
