My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
