All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
