U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
