Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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