What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
