My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
