Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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