Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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