Banned from zoo.
Again?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
