dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
