I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
