i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
