Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
