Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I love you.
Bad choice
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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