So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
