I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
