I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I think I sprained my soul last night
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
