What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
