Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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