I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Drunk is not a location!
I need to align my fucking chakras
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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