If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
No subtext here. People are naked.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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