I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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