I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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