Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
