Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
