listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
