I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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