I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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