Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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