that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
