I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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