im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
